i'm the only broken hearted loser you'll ever need

jillybean62091 @ 2007-07-22T15:48:00

2007-07-22T19:46:53Z

i've realized up until i met brian that i was a complete physco path and this whole journal proves it. seriously...i think every single entry i ever wrote has something to do with a different guy. i'm glad that 4 year /boy crazy/ middle school and a little bit of highschool stage is over. it was kind of depressing haha like some of these entries....damn. i would get so upset over some ridiculous thing, like if a kid i liked got a girlfriend or if another kid i liked wasnt in my chem class. like what the hell? haha i wish my friends would of just put a mirror in front of me on one of the nights i was crying over some stupid kid who doesn't even matter and be like what are you doing? and help me out so i wouldn't of wasted a big part of my life trying to get a boyfriend or..whatever i was trying to do. some of the entries are funny like...in one of the entries i said "there was this one kid there who i absolutely hated. he was 10. and he was so mean to me...i went to go get the ball cause it went into the woods and the kid said "why don't you just stay in there" then we got into a fight. he said he was only saying mean things because he wanted us to leave. he must not know i'm in love with billy, and i wouldn't of left if hurricane katrina came through." hahaha jesus. i wouldn't of left if hurricane katrina came through? damn...haha. it's funny to look back and read what i wrote, and i love how in some of my livejournals i would end them with "<3 jill marie xoxox" like i was some kind of...i don't even know haha but i'm happy to say that brians the last guy i'm ever going to write about :] he's so awesome and i love him, and we are perfect together and i'm so happy. cause now my life is drama/stress free and it's awesome. i miss him though. he's in dunkirk for a week. but i'll deal. and when he comes back we're going to blast on the beach and going to continue our perfect life hahah yeah, this is probably the last live journal entry i'm ever going to write. instead of writing about how i wished how my life was, it's time to live it <3 jill marie xoxox hahaha

wow.

2007-04-07T04:38:53Z

i hooked up with cj reiford. i waited long e fuckin nough.

:]

2007-02-21T06:39:49Z

maddy's was awesome. on monday her mom gave us $30 each so we went to the mall & out for lunch...then paul (the driver) took us to the movies...and on tuesday we just hung out. i was kind of like...nervous or whatever because conner had to drive me up to the office which is a half hour away so i could go home, because i like never talk to him...but it was really cool. we ended up talking for the whole time. so i was chilling at the office for a little with him and his friends and then the limo picked us all up...and that was funny. when you're the only girl is a group of teenage guys...haha you gotta laugh. they say the funniest things. now i like can't wait for easter or any holiday. i always thought they were weird cause me and conner were just like "sup"...but now we're all gunna be like "whaddddddup!?" and now when i go over there and maddy goes to bed at 10...i can chill with him and his friends until i get tired. haha okay yeah...school thursday. it's alright, i don't mind school that much. i miss making people laugh haha :]

haha

2007-02-15T03:16:05Z

valentines day was good :]

"my favorite song changes"
"by who?"

hahahah melissa stole 500 dollars.

:]

2007-02-14T03:10:53Z

i love valentines day. eventhough i don't have a boyfriend or anything. my mom you know... she buys us all like these cute little candy thing's and everyone's all happy... mark's taking me to the olive garden, i love that kid. i made him a cd cause i'm nice. i don't think i even care what anyone thinks anymore, he's amazing. haha whaaaaaaaaatever.

hghfxshgsf

2007-01-28T08:03:28Z

this week off for exams was good. i actually did stuff instead of sit around my house all day. i hung out with mark jack, christian, cj, angela, mary, kate, becca, meg, and saw tiffany and cody and i dunno, it was just nice. i love hanging out with kristin and melissa and julia obviously, but it's good to hang out with other people once in a while. and i've done stuff i've never done before i guess i can say. like me and melissa slept over christians which is completely crazy becuase usually krsitins like the insane one in the group and melis isn't really like that...and i went to one of frontiers hockey games that i never go to which was really fun haha, and i went to duffs and saw mr. klimowictz and i've never been there before so that was cool...yeah okay it's like 3 in the morning and i feel gay for being on the computer.

yutuyrts

2006-12-28T05:13:36Z

christmas was perfect. i didn't even ask for anything and i got an ipod, paris hilton perfume, $190 for wet seal, $50 for the mall, $10 for subway, $ for pizza hut + a free order of breadsticks, and $5 for timmy ho's. i got some other cool stuff, too. ryan and stacey got here safe, and everything was so great. on the day after christmas everyone but marty went to botanical gardens and clifton hill so ryan couls how stacey the falls and stuff...and then my dad, ryan and stacey went to the casino and me, justin and my mom went to rainforest cafe and all me and justin did was fight. and if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't of gotten out of cananda, cause no one remembers directions but me. anywas. yeah, today ryan and stacey left, and i went to mark jacks, and then i went to the galleria mall with k & m and j...and mrs. wes haha but i'm flipping out cause i get to see drake on fridayyyyyyyyyy! woo baby. i haven't really cared about boys all break which is good. well...besdies drake. who i get to see on fridayyyyyyy woo baby!

:]

2006-12-17T15:57:21Z

i can't wait. this week is going to be so good. all we're sdoing in spanish all week is doing some christmas activity, having a fiesta, and watching a movie. and then on friday in chem we get to make icecream :] i like...love school now. i think it's just cause i get to see ryan but...whatever. this sounds so gay but i wish he'd co me on his myspace. hahahhe hasn't been on since like october 25th until i mentioned something about it...and then he came on that day. and then he came on the day after and i left him a message but he didn't see it cause he hasn't been on it since. ahh i'm weird. okay ryan and stacey come home on friday! and then the christmas party is on saturday! then it's christmas eve and i can start texting people again!haha then it's christmas!! and then like 5 days later it's new years which i think is completely crazy cause i remember last new years so perfect. this year went by so fast....i don't really think i'm gunna miss it that much. maybe a tiny bit. ahhh i think i love everything right now. i wand krsitin to take us to timmy hoe's tomarrow morning before escuela.

678it78d7yu

2006-12-16T05:56:47Z

4 days. i've been thinknig about this kid for four days straight. non-stop. that's like 96 hours. that's like...5,760 minutes...that's like 345,600 seconds. that's alot. i haven't thought about anything else. everything reminds me of this stupid kid. he's not stupid i just know he's not thinking about me. like i don't know. i can't stop liking him cause i just can't but i should just really try. cause he has a girlfriend and like...i don't wanna like...okay, yeah i do want to interfere, IIIIIII want to be his girlfriend. but i'll just really try.but the only way i can do it is if i like...don't look at him and ignore him during chem. but if i did that, he'd think i hate him, and i don't want him to think that. ahhhh i dunno. maybe he thinks about me a little bit. i hope he does. mark jack told me that he was talking to him about me. so he must just a little bit. i hope he does. him and his girlfriend never hold hands in the hall. i was telling billy about this. but we don't know what they do out of school. okay guys are just stupid. if he doesn't like me he should stop touching my leg and winking at me and telling me he loves me cause...that's just teasing and that is not very nice. cause now i'm over here thinknig about him for 4 days stright thinking about him non stop, and he's over there...maybe at his girlfriends house probably kissing her and not thinking of me. omggggg get me out of here. i don't even know where i want to get out of, i just wanna be raaaaaaaaaaaaaaar raaaaar raaaaaaaaaar i don't know. those would be cat noises.

gtjkhgfdkjghad :]

2006-12-14T01:22:01Z

...and this week i'm in love with Ryan Gadzo. God needs to like drop a boulder on my head when these kind of things happen. he knows i can't control myself so why does he put perfect guys in my life that i can't...i don't know. anyways. i only write in here when i get really emotional. so i'm just gunna spill about all the wonderful things about Ryan and then like next week i'm gunna come back to this laugh, and probably delete it. okay here we go:

1. He sings in a band
2. He's funny
3. He's smart
4. He laughs like squidward...haha it's so cute i swear
5. He laughs at me at the right times
6. He has cool friends and a brother that i can get along with
7. He helps me out in chem
8. He says stuff like "oh really?" when i tell him stuff like he really cares
9. He touches my thigh under the table and i get that tingly feeling
10. He tells me he loves me, eventhough i think he's just joking
11. I can tell him anything
12. He looks into my eyes when he talks to me, and his eyes are amazing
13. He winks at me haha...i try to wink back but i don't know how
14. He's just cute
15. He remembers stuff about me, like what i wore the day before
16. He always asks me what i'm doing after school
17. He pretended he was gunna make out with me one time and i was like whoa.
18. He likes good songs
19. He doesn't care what people think of him
20. Oh my god...he's just so amazing.

We'd even look cute together as a couple...then again i say that about every guy i fall for. but seriously. if you don't like ryan, you have issues or something. he even has a cool last name. Gadzo, come on...it can't get any cooler. sadly, i look forward to going to school now. i really hope i don't look back at this in a week, laugh, and delete it. i hope he breaks up with his girlfriend and asks me out and i hope we get married and have the perfect life. cause we would. :[[[[ Maybe God can be nice and let something happen. and maybe he can even make his girlfriend find someone new that she really likes after he breaks up with her...if he did. and maybe his girld friend and her new boyfriend would hold hands in the hallway because her and ryan don't do that. but if i was her, i'd hold his hand. wow, i'm getting carried away. i need to go to a doctor

hgd xhjdg

2006-11-26T06:23:51Z

today was so weird. okay last night i had a dream about mark jack at some party and he wanted to hook up with this girl but didn't because he has a girlfriend. and today before i even told him about my dream...he told me about his night and that's exactly what happened. and i dunno...i didn't even like leave the house for a while and it was such a nice day. i just stayed inside and was on the computer, and cj was listing all these random people i used to like, and he randomly threw in emir. so then i finally decided to make these potatoe things and go outside and eat them so i did. and then i went to julias and there were these weird kids standing in front of her house. but whatever, then i went over there and weighed myself. i weigh 107.5. that's not when i went over there though, we talked about stuff and then i ate some food and watched her talk to greg but i wasn't bored cause it was intence. and i was dancing. and then kristin got home so me, her and melis went to the movies. we bought tickets for the 7:50 show but when we walked in the theatre...there was absolutely no 3 seats open next to eachother, so we exchanged our tickets for the 10:30 show. so we spent our time going to target and getting weird food, and then we went to the mall for a little. and when we sat in that little middle part. emir was sitting there with his friends. then you hear "jill, jill" and i look over and emir's calling me...i'm like yeah?...he's like "you're in my chem class, right?" and i'm like yeah. and he's like "i thought so...i knew you sat in front of me, i just thought i'd say hi"....so i just laughed and was like hey...and i think that's so weird cause i never talked to him before in my life. and then a few seconds later you hear "jill, jill"...and he's calling me again. so i'm like yeah? and he was like "do we have lab on monday?" and i didn't hear him so i asked him what he said again, so he asked me again and i like thought for a minute and then remembered we didn't so i told him no. and then he walked over to us and was like "hey" and i said hi and laughed cause he like wanted me for 2 different reasons already. and he asked me if i was just hanging out at the mall or shopping, and i told him i was just wasting time before i went to the movies...and then he asked what movie we were going to see and at what time and i told him. and then he said stranger than fiction was supposed to be funny after i told him that's what we were seeing. and then he asked me who k & m were and i told him, and then he asked how old they were and i told him, and then he asked a bunch of other things and at the end he was like "okay, well i'll probably see you at the movies" and i'm like okay and he sat with his friends again. i guess he thought we were seeing the movie at the mall or something. so me and krsitin and melissa got up to go to source interational and emir stopped me and was like...wait, are you going to the movie now, and i was like no ew're going to source international...and he was like oh...and i was like yeah, but we're seeing the movie at regal, not here. and he was like "ohhh, you're seeing it at regal?" and i'm like yeah.."and he's like oh..." and i'm like yeahh... sorry. and he's like "it's okay, i'll see you monday" and i'm like okay, see ya. and then when i saw the movie, i caught myself thinknig about him alot. i think that's so weird just cause cj mentioned him in the list of guys i used to like. yeah, weird day.

jillybean62091 @ 2006-11-16T02:55:00

2006-11-16T02:55:45Z

i finally realized i'm a worthless piece of shit. i thought it actually meant something. how stupid. i should start charging people.

:]

2006-10-17T16:01:16Z

yeah....so last night was probably one of the best days ever. kristin drove me, melissa and julia to the galleria which was fun because...i don't even know...we were blasting an old britney sperars cd and singing like we used to do when we were little...haha nothing really exciting happened at the mall...but on the way back we stopped at our mall just to see if anyone was there, but no one was. then we went to buffalo sports so julia could look at a snowboard...haha that was funny. but then we dropped julia off, came here, mmmm i had barbeque chicken for dinner, my favorite food next to chicken fingers...so kristin and melissa went home to eat...then they came back later and this weird name came up on the caller id so no one answered it....and then it called back like 20 minutes later...and melissa just ran the phone to my dad so we could figure out who it was...and my dad was like "jill, it's for you" and i was so confused i had no idea who it was. so i asked him and he's like...i'll give you a hint "i'm a walking dictionary" and i'm like WADE! haha yeah...wade called me. and then i was being nice to cj cause i thought he told him too...but now i don't think he did. because wade called my house and if cj told him to called me, he would of given him my cellphone number...and i asked wade where he got my number from and he said he looked it up in the phone book. haha so yeah, i was on the phone with him for a while and that made me really happy. he's gunna call me today because he likes this neighborhood and wants to hang out. i don't think anybody realizes how good this neighborhood is. i mean, like all of us never hang out anymore but if we did, it would be me, julia, alexa, brittany, pete, krsitn, melissa, luke if he came back, and maybe even mitch. we're so lucky. some kids just live around old people. maybe wade does. i really want to hang out with wade today cause i don't know anything about him and now i can find out. like if he has any brothers or sisters and stuff like that...yeahh i hope he's not just "leading me on"...i don't think he would go as far as looking up my number in the phonebook to lead me on...but i don't know. so yeah..after i got off the phone with him i was just so happy, and then me and krsitin and melissa made cookies...and while we were aiting for them we were sitting in my room. and for some reason me and melissa were thinking about what we would do if one of us died. and then we just cried. we cried for a loooooong time. that sounds emo but i thought it was really nice. i mean...it's melissa i don't even think she cared about anything that much...but now i really know how much she cares for me. haha krisitin was just sitting there looking at us weird and trying to make us laugh, but i liked crying with melissa. i wonder when wade's gunna call today. i wonder if he's even up yet. ahhh i better go get ready. what if he doesn't even come over? oh well i still need to get ready.

tyhjrtsiyhjws

2006-10-15T15:12:01Z

okay so yesterday kristin and melissa came over and we just kinda hung out for a while...and then we decided to go to the dollar store and get bandanas and candy cigarettes because we wanted to play scat and wanted it to seem like we were badasses i guess. haha i don't know. anyways at the dollar tree i sat in the car by myself for a little talking to cj because i wanted him to come over...and for some reason he's so difficult when it comes to those things. he could of said yes or no but wer ended up talking for like a half hour. then i finally go into the store and me, kristin and melissa buy these huge drinks. haha it was so funny i got this huge as bottle of arizone, kristin got this oversized bottle of rootbeer and melissa got this jumbo applejuice juicebox. haha and then we found these over sized cards and bought them so it would be funny playing scat. ahaha cause they matched our drinks. then we went to pizza hut, but it wasn't open...but i still wanted to do something so i said we should go to the mall because nick was there and he wanted to do something. but for some reason kristin wanted to go straight home and i got mad a little cause i didn't know what we were gunna do at my house while waiting for cj...but as we were driving home i had to like tell kristin what to do and i think she got mad at me...but if i wasn't in that car i swear her and melissa would of died or been in the hospital right now. so when kristin took me home i thought they were gunna come over...but melissa randomly says "i think i'm gunna have my mom take me to the mall"...and i was like okay...cause we could of just went to the mall so i just left. melissa always says those random things that just ruins everything. she's so weird. so after a while i call melissa back to see if she's gunna come hang out but she said that they were on their way to brunners...so i was like alright whatever and i don't know they were just pissing me off cause they do the most random things when we had plans...but it was okay cause i just called julia over. then me and her were playing scat and she was really good at it. haha and then after like 2 games we came down here and looked at pictures, and then cj and wade came over. okay, so me, julia ,wade and cj we upstairs playing cards and listeing to oldies music haha and i thought it was fun...cause i don't know...i didn't feel anything for cj what so ever. like usually i'll get butterflies or something but last night i just treated him like my brother. it was cool. we were just chilling without feeling completely awkward. but oh man...i don't think anyone could tell...but i felt something for wade. and then we played life after and that was fun and i kept on putting a boy in wades car for him, but he didn't want one so he took it out and when he wasn't looking, i'd put it back in and so on...and then i had my mom buy a pizza for us, and she did causeshe's so nice...so me and wade go downstairs and get pizza and i get him a drink...and then eventually cj and julia come down...and then this is where my night started to suck. wade went on the compueter, and of courseeee alexa tells him to go over to her house. so he did, and he said he'd come back, and of courseeee he didn't. so after a while me and cj go over there and of courseeeee brooke is out there with them. and then julia came over. but as soon as me and cj walk over there "hi, my name is brooke, who are you??!? :]" like omg maybe i have a chance with this guy since all the other ones think i'm a fat slut...oh wait, i am. god i hate her. so now everyone's complaing and saying it's cold out and how they all want to come in my house. and i was like hell no, my dad will get pissed. my dad wasn't even home, and i knew it, and no one would of cared if all of them came in at all, i just didn't want to hang out with all of them. and then pete walks over and i'm like what the hell? where did he come from? and of course brooke's like..."oh, i called him and told him to come hang out with us. is that okay?" omg i swear if i had a gun...anyways so everyone's hanging out in my garage...i'm like whatever dude. i obviously don't need to be out here in the cold if cj and wade are entertained, so i go inside...i start picking up everyone's pizza mess...then julia comes in and helps me for a little. then we pick up life which took forever. and then julia went outside but i just stayed in and watched two a days...and then julia came back in and told me to come outsdie because it was only her cj and brittany. and i was like where's wade? and of courseeeeee he's at alexa's. so i was like okay whatever and i go outsdie and everything's good. haha brittany was telling me about work and stuff and that was funny...and so then wade and alexa came back..and brooke was walking in the street talking to some over aged kid...haha so brittany kept on yelling stuff to her while she was on the phone. i was hoping a car would come and run her over or something, but it didn't. then everyone was talking in the garage but i was like out of the group cause everyone knew i was pissed...and then brooke comes back...stands right in front of me...and then i think brittany said sometihing about her talknig to over aged guys again and she was like "omg well i'll be 16 soon...omg my birthdays coming up soon!" i don't know something gay so i just went back inside. then i called mark jack and told him why i was pissed and then alexa pokes her head in and told me brooke left, so i let everyone in...but i was still on the phone with mark jack and then everyone was in the family room but i came in the living room to talk to him since only wade was in here on the computer. and i was flipping out because mark jack told me the cops were at his house because he stabbed this 35 year old man in the food court with a broken plastic knife which was sharp, becuase the guy stole his chicken finger. and for some reason i believed him, so i'm like flipping out...and then i dunno gfinally i got off the phone with him...and everything was okay again, everyone was talking except wade cause he was in this room on the computer still...but then cj got this call and this just started to get gay again. it was like...10:30 and cj stayed on the phone with this girl till 11:30 and wade was still on the computer and everyone was gathering around him except me..so i just sat around by myself some more. haha but i don't know julia and alexa left and then so it was me, cj and brittany gathered around wade...actually iwas sitting on the couch but i just wanted it to be 12 so everyone would go home...and finally it came and i didn't even look at anyone when they left...i was just like bye and then cryed. yeah, that's lame but i just wanted it to be, me, wade, julia and cj. i wish wade wasn't so addicted to the damn computer eventhough i am. but i don't go on it for 2 hours when people invite me to their houses. i guess it took me a live journal entry to realize that wade's not worth my time...i still think he's attractive and nice though. ahhh whatever. life's a bitch. i'll deal.

myspace! yayyy

2006-10-11T02:03:44Z

i had to put this in here cause i liked it and i wanted to remember it cause i changed my myspace. yeah. i have to go watch true life now on touretts.

my name is jill.

i came out of the womb on june 20th, 1991.

i'm going to be a sophmore at frontier.

i change my song like 3 times a day. but i'm thinking about keeping this one for a while.

i say "like" alot. oh yeah, i say "dude" alot too.

my toe nails are always painted.

i'm pretty random.

sometimes i forget how old i am.

actually i forget everything.

i never broke a bone.

my favorite color is pink.

i ask alot of questions.

my favorite shows are that's so raven and seinfeld.

i can speak pretty good spanish.

i'm always on myspace.

i order chicken fingers every single time i go out to eat.

i'm obsessive.

i love my friends alot. they could all be comedians.

i like the word outrageous.

my hair's naturally wavy.

i hate when people call me retarded.

i'm so paranoid.

i'm the shortest out of my group of friends.

i'm left handed.

i laugh every single day. most of the time i laugh at myself.

but if you REALLY want to see me laugh...put me on one of those foot vibrators at the fair...haha oh God.

i'm not racist.

i chew on plastic pen caps. i can't help myself.

i wear contacts.

i'm irish and german.

my family is humungous. and i love every single one of them.

i hate clowns to a high extent.

i try to use big words to sound smart.

i live at the mall.

i only drink bottled water.

i hate hate hate when people point or stare at me.

i never had braces.

i have 1 dog and 2 cats.

i can name every state in alphabetical order thanks to 5th grade graduation and my super memory.

i drink chocolate milk when i'm sad.

i'm bi-polar.

chicken flavored ramen noodles are the best.

i hate when people try to talk to me when i'm listeing to music.

i'm scared of the dark

i don't like guys who are super nice. i like the funny/sarcastic type

i'm a virgin.

i'm very open and only sometimes care what people think about me.

i like necklaces.

i don't like people who try to be "different." diversity comes naturally.

i studder sometimes. it's funny.

i have 3 older brothers. only 1 of them lives with me.

i do not like jello at all.

i'm a physic i swear.

i lie alot :/ but i'm trying to simmer down.

i have deja vu all the time.

i have the weirdest face expressions.

i take dance at performing arts.

music is my favorite. i sing everywhere.

i look at the clock at 9:11 pm every single day. it's so creepy.

i exaggerate so bad sometimes.

Easy to talk to. Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.

yigtujrxtjuxfrgy

2006-10-09T15:12:14Z

shit dude, i made nick cry. and he said that last night was the first time things felt right in a while...but i don't know what to say to that i thought last night was kind of terrible. first we took like an hour to drive to his house when it was 5 minutes away from mine because he gave us some crazy directions...then when we finally get there, he tells us to wait a half an hour cause he was inside making food...he could of at least invited us in so me and kristin and melissa didn;t have to pull around to the park near nicks house and sit in the dark car for a half hour. that was pretty gay...nick and "chicklets" eventually came...but nick forgot to bring me a hoodie and he was too cold to give me his...so when j.r came he was nice enough to go back and get me one eventhough i said not to, cause nick should of. and then we were just chilling at the park with "chicklets, j.r, this joe kid and krsitin and melissa but then me and nick went for a walk which was a terrible idea caise the grass was all wet and muddy and it wasn't exactly a walk since nick was like 5 feet in front of me cause he "didn't want to get his shoes dirty" so then we were sitting at the other bench alone...and it was nice because we were just sitting there talking about nothing, looking at the stars and stuff...and i didn't want it to end but ohh man god forbid nick saw a flame at the bench where the boys were and he just got up and ran towards them becuase "they were smoking pot" he just left me there on the bench...so eventually i got up and walked over to where everyone was...and no one was even smoking pot, just ciggarettes. 2 other kids were there when i got there and i guess it was cool just chilling with all of them again but then everyone left except nick so i gave jr his hoodie back, then krisitn and melissa sat in the car...so it was just me and nick again and it was just...stupid again because all he was doing it pretending to stab me with a pocket knife...hahah like what the hell? so i dunno...jr came back and i gave him the knife cause nick was freaking me out and i told him to go up to kristin's car and just scare the shit out of them, and he did. hahaha. kristin said she wanted something scary to happen to her...haha but i don't know...i was like shivering and nick wouldn't give me his hoodie...things are just weird with him...but i don't know he just sent me a text saying he'd quit smoking pot for me and he wants that butterfly in the tummy feeling back. bullshit. he shows no sign of caring for me whatsoever...oh but he "lovesss" me soo much. he said he would quit smoking pot for me last time and that didn't happen...plus i don't want him to change..i don't care that he smokes pot...alot of my freinds do, and i don't care...but he's always telling me i should and that i'd love it. i bet i would love it...but that's the thing...i don't want to love it and then have it screw up my life like it did for him. i don't know...right now he's making it seem like he likes me alot, and i'm falling for it, and i shouldn't because this kind of stuff has happened to me before. plus my family hates him, and i'm sick of sneaking around to hang out with him, and i know krsitin's sick of driving me to wherever he is all of the time.. jesus

80o86ro0ri

2006-10-09T05:18:59Z

i hung out with him tonight. probably the biggest waste of time and gas in my life. the sad thing is...i knew it was gunna happen. i don't even like nick. i do this all the fucking time. i try to make myself like someone just to try to get someone else out of my mind...*coughbillycough*...but i don't know...me and nick don't like "click" i mean seriously. i don't know what i'm thinking. to tell you the truth...i've never hung out twith that kid when he's sober. he's always high. i'm such a fucking screw up. i either need to calm down when it comes to guys and not get so attached or find someone who i really like who likes me back. but i don't get it. i think me and billy would be perfect...and i think he might think that too somewhere like super deep inside but i think he's just too afraid to admitt it cause all of his friends think i'm like...abnormal. and i am abnormal...everyone is. i just can't wait to graduate and till nothing matters any more. also, i think they should replace global with opposite sex class. cause global just sucks and life would be so much easier if guys understood girls and girl understood guys. i have to pee and my feet are cold.

jlv iyhklc utg

2006-10-08T19:49:04Z

ugh i was so excited to go tothe great pumpkin farm today, eventhough my horiscope said not to. those things are real i swear. but mrs. wesner told us we could go but apparently she didn't know it was in clarence...but we already printed up all the directions and stuff and we were all ready to go, and we were in the car but then jackass mr. wesner came out and stopped us and told us we couldn't go and he said i had to go home. so i did. but i wish i was brave enough to cal him a fucking loser, and then when he would say "excuse me?" i'd be like "you heard me, i said you're a loser...you won't let you're 18 year old daughter drive 45 minutes away from the house to go to a pumpkin farm...you're lucky she wasn't planning of going to south buffalo to smoke some rocks" and then i would of ran home cause i'm scared of him. whatever. so now i'm sitting here bored out of my mind...i think kristin and melissa are grounded or something gay like that. i was supposed to hang out with nick toinght but i don't know if i can go anymore daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhmotherfucker

you shouldn't read this

2006-10-07T21:47:03Z

my life right now...pretty much sucks. it's so hard being this age. i'm so confused and get so emmotional about everything. but seriously...i think the only person in the world who really cares about me is my mom. i mean my dad tells me he loves me but he's an alcoholic...and i like him alot better when he's drunk. but i know nothing about him. and justin obviously doesn't care about me...i know he's just being a brother but he tells me all the time that i'm adopted and how much better my families life would be without me. and i know kristin and melissa care about me...but it's just hard to talk to them about stuff, just because melissa get's all quite and makes things awkward and they don't really have anything to say. i can't blame them because they don't know what to tell me since they've never been through anything like this...but i don't know. i need someone to talk to where it's not awkward. julia's a good listener...but when i'm trying to figure something out about my life, she brings something up going on in her life and i completely forget what i was saying. maybe that's why she thinks i'm concieted. like...nobody in the world knows me. i don't even know myself...but everything thinks i'm either a slut, a goody-two shoes, or perfect. no one realizes how many problems i have, because i don't have anyone to talk about them with and i play it off like everything's fine...because i don't want other people to feel sorry. whoever's reading this (if anyone does read this) is probably thinking "why is she writing this depressing thing if she doesn't want us to feel sorry for her?" well it's because i have to get it out and i have no one to talk to. like i said before, you don't have to read this. it just sucks...because even people i've gotten close to during all my 3 years of middle school...they dont care either. and it just blows because i care about those people alot, and i listen to every single thing they have to say, even if it's not that serious. but when it comes to my turn to tell them something...they talk to me for a little bit which gets me happpy, but then all the sudden they're just like "gotta go, bye" i guess it's cause i'm making them feel uncomfortable or something...but i need someone who's open who can take on what i have to say. because now i don't know what to do. i can't make desicions for myself, i need other people's input. and then when those certain people leave me, i flip out on them. then not only do they feel sorry for me, but they think i'm crazy.it's just sad that i don't have a friend i can talk to about serious stuff. i'm thinking i need a counsilor...but my mom would think i'm weird, and they probably cost too much money. maybe no one has a friend like that, and maybe i'm just being greedy. but i really think in the future or something, everyone in the world should have a robot with good advice following them around all the time so you'd have someone to talk to

uylyfiuoyfuoyr

2006-09-16T16:06:25Z

julia was super duper mad at me, but she's not anymore. that's what i like about our relationship. anyways i'm really bored and i'm eating rice krispies and i should probably take a shower but i don't want to. kristin and melissa are at some sabres thing, my mom and dad are grocery shopping and i think i might take kaydo for a walk in a little. but i would need an ipod to do that. maybe i'll call julia and she'll walk with me. but i bet she's sleeping. i'll try anyways. i want the office max guy to call so i can get my desk today. i'm really pumped for this desk. homecoming's coming up. whatever.

kgfnhlkgfs

2006-09-15T17:53:03Z

north carolina was the best. i want to move there. haha lets see i went shoppping, got 2 tops and 3 pairs of shoes...i went mini-golfing and bowling...i went to this awesome place called the cotton exchange that i had a dream about like a month ago and bought everyone souvineers...i went to the military base ryan works at...and i went to all these sweet restaurants. i had the best time. even in the 15 hour car ride there and back sitting in between my 2 brothers the whole ride. yeah, i love my family so much. but i'm glad to be back. for some reason i'm in the best mood. i don't think anyone in the world can be as happy as me right now. i love love love this song american girl by tom petty. i've been dancing to it all night. i heard it in this place called the shoe carnival in north carolina and i was dancing to it there, and when we went to pay for my shoes the guy called me cute. haha yeah he looked like teddy geiger. it's gunna blow going back to school though. oh well i'll catch up. everyone's in school and i have nothing to do. but i think my mom's almost ready to take me to office max so i can get my school supplies and this thing to put my make-up mirror and tv on, and wal-mart so i can get make-up. haha yeahhhh :]

reykhjtrlhkjew

2006-09-07T00:52:54Z

school kinda blows. first period is alright i guess...i'm probably gunna fall asleep everyday but whatever. second period art seems like it's gunna be really fun. mr. hartnett seems cool. i dunno why melis didn't like him. third period, global...ehh, i'll deal. i think appril's gunna make me laugh the whole year. she spit her gum out on accident in the middle of class. haha fourth period is amazing. there's so many good people in it. fifth period's good...gym. sixth period chem mother fucking blows. i know no one in that class. there's freshman in that class smarter than me. it sucks so bad.we did work today. on the first day of school. so rediculous. we also got homework. also, if you get an 85 or lower on a test, you have to re-take it. i'm gunna get kicked out. i know it. lunch is kind of lame, but i don't care. seventh period, spanish...amaaaazing. i love it. and then eigth period math, blows. i have to run to that class. and then i have to run back to my lockre or else i'll miss the bus. derek texted me today on his own. cute, i know. okay i'm done. i'm going to north carolina tomarrow to see ryan. i'll be so lost when i come back to school. whatever, i'll deal. okay. peace out homess

ejkgbhadrkjgha

2006-09-04T20:28:00Z

i kinda forgot what i did yesterday except i stayed up till like 3 drawing designs on melissa's face with liquid eyeliner and coloring then in with eyeshadow. haha if i knew how to post pictures, i would. so i didn't wake up today till like 1 and then me and my mom just went through all of my stuff that was stored in her room and the hallway and put some of it in the basement and some of it in my room. my room looks pretty sweet. i got my bed today and hooked my tv up and put up some accessories....we still need to get a desk for me and put up the window molding and blinds and curtains and then paint my closet and get closet doors and stuff. but i'm happy with it. i want kristin and melissa to come over and see it but i don't know where they are. i'm excited for school. two dayyyyys. then i'm off to north carolina for a week. haha i'm missing the easiest days but whatever. i'd rather be in north carolina than new york anyday. actually i wouldn't, but whatever. i'm excited to see ryan and meet stacey :] life is good.

kgjrhl;zaeey

2006-09-03T16:35:07Z

whatever, i'm over it. anyways yesterday i woke up at like 3 or something since me and melis slept at julia's and stayed up till 6. it was fun there...we watched dirty dancing and 13 going on 30...probably the best movies in the world. okay so when i woke up, i went home and took a shower and then went to that block party thing. it sucked cause it was raining. and i was cold and in a bad mood so me and kristin and melissa went home after like an hour. then we got all dry and comfy and watched sugar and spice in kristin's room. at 12 we went to denny's and that was fun...our waiter was so funny. his name was dominic but i called him dominique...and i dunno we did like 5,000 funny things there that made it fun. i'm in the mood for some carrot cake. i guess i can't wait for school now...i'm gunna try to be less shy this year. let's see how that works...today's the labor day party at my uncle larry's and aunt mary's. it's gunna blow big time. usually it's all nice and sunny and the boys and playing basket ball and volley ball and fishing, and i'm usually out on the paddle boat or in the creek, and then at night we have this huge bon fire and my uncle lary plays his guitar and sings...but it doesn't look like that will be happening this year. it's so rainy out :/

kzdfhlkhglkdajfhlkzdfhjlfshlkgf>:0

2006-09-03T00:10:42Z

ughhh i'm so fucking mad. billy's not in my chem class. school's gunna be so lame this year. i really don't want to go. it's going to suck so bad.